I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid right now. Red’s
going to do it soon. He’s going to destroy the brothel and bring down Jonah.
Which is great, but that’s not what scares me. It’s the fact that, even though
I’ll still be injured, he wants me at the front of it. That’s what scares me.
Even when I’m fully healthy, I can’t fight. I hate hurting people. But he wants
me to be front and center when we begin the attack. Red even said that he wants
me to be the one who kills Jonah, if it comes to it.
I told him that I’m not comfortable with that. He just
said that I’ve got to deal with it. He’s not giving me a fucking choice! I told
him I’m not a fighter, and he just said that that will change. He seemed
shocked when I told him that my knife is just for show, that I’ve never used it
and want to keep it that way. All he said to that was to put on some big bitch
panties and get used to killing anyone he says to. I’m really starting to
second guess myself when it comes to being here.
I know Macy’s picked up on that. Since that meeting, she’s
spent every possible moment she could get away with just being with me. A few
times afterwards, she drug me into his office and tried to argue my point for
me, but he’s insisting I basically lead the charge. He says I’m in too deep now
and he can’t allow me to walk away. I told him I don’t mind doing the recon
work for him, but I just want to keep out of the bloodshed. He told me to shove
a dick in my mouth and do what he says.
If he keeps talking to me like that, I’m going to fucking
leave. I won’t put up with much more of that shit, talking down to me like some
fucking whore off the street. Macy tried to explain that he only talks like
that when he’s stressed, but I don’t care and I told her as much. If he wants
me to help him, he better fucking respect me, stressed or not. Otherwise, he
can kiss my blue ass goodbye.
Today’s been an emotional roller coaster to say the least.
I’ve been back and forth being either pissed to high heaven at one thing or
another that Red’s said and being scared for my life. Macy’s been a great
comfort, though. But she’s not being told to go fight against her will, either.
She has the option of staying here. That being said, she did say that when I
got back, she would make me doing what Red wants worth my while somehow.
Amy at one point today did pull me to the side and tried
to show me some of her techniques. My hurt leg, though, made it impossible for
me to move the way I needed. When she was convinced I wasn’t faking it, she
went to talk to Red herself about me being there. She said that she would try
to convince him to at least keep me to the rear until it was time to deliver
the final blow to Jonah. I probably won’t know how successful she was until the
day of the raid.
But I guess there was one good thing that happened today,
and that was just spending time with almost all of my sisters. Not just Macy
and Amy, but Aurora, Marril, Tara, April, Abernee, Mallory, and Ammory as well.
The only ones not here were Amarlee, Andrea and Ashley. They all just spent
time trying to cheer me up and make me feel at ease. And while we were
together, it worked.
I got to catch up with each of them and they all caught up
with me. Each of them has their own tale of how they got involved with this,
and they each have their own way of making me feel better about being here. In
the end, though, I don’t believe I can tolerate being talked down to like a sex
slave the way Red does. I can generally tolerate verbal abuse, but the degree
to which he does it is just too degrading.
I’ve noticed it’s only me he talks that way to, as well.
He’s firm, but respectful to all of my sisters. He’s even nice to Macy. But me?
He talks as if I’m just a sleazy cum dumpster or something. It’s like he thinks
I want to be filled with cock all the time, when I never want to see another
one ever again in my life! Okay, I might can think of one exception to that,
but I doubt it’ll ever happen.
I hope Mom doesn’t stick around here once she’s away from
Jonah. I have a hard time believing that Red will be any more respectful
towards her than he is to me. She’s been through enough already. Red berating
her the way he does me would be too much. Either Mom’ll snap, or I will. And,
for Red’s sake, let’s hope I’m the one who snaps.